For the conflicts and distance that keep coming back

Patterns that keep repeating

You might notice that different relationships end up in similar places. Maybe you keep the peace until you cannot anymore, and then it all comes out at once. Maybe you pull away when things get tense and feel lonely afterwards. Maybe you take care of everyone and quietly resent it. Patterns like these often made sense at one point in your life, and they can outlast the situation that created them.

• The same fight: A different topic each time, but the same argument and the same ending.
• Keeping the peace: Saying yes when you mean no, until the resentment spills over.
• Pulling away: Going quiet or leaving the room as soon as conflict starts.
• Not landing: Conversations where you say the thing and it never seems to be heard.

Working on your side of it

You cannot change another person from a therapy room, but you can change your part in the pattern, and a change on one side can shift the whole dynamic. Sessions look closely at the moments that go wrong: what you notice in your body, what you tell yourself about the other person, and what you do next. DBT skills are useful here, especially the ones for asking for what you need and holding a boundary while keeping the relationship intact. CBT helps check the stories we tell about other people's intentions, which are not always accurate.

If the pattern involves people-pleasing or a harsh inner critic, the self-esteem page covers that thread. And because solution focused therapy is the starting point here, we also look at the times things went better, since those moments hold useful clues about what works for you.

On your own, as a couple, or as a family

Individual sessions are often the right place to begin, especially when the strain is with someone who will not or cannot come in. When the relationship is with a partner and you both want to work on it, couples therapy gives you a balanced room where neither person has to win. When the tension runs through a whole household, family therapy brings everyone to the same table. You can move between these as things change.

When something else is in the mix

Sometimes relationship strain has a specific driver. When ADHD is shaping the household, ADHD and relationships covers that side. When a relationship is ending, divorce and separation describes support through it. When the strain sits inside you more than between you, individual therapy gives it room.

Therapy here is talk-based counseling, and diagnosis and medication sit with medical providers. If you are ever unsafe in a relationship, please do not wait for a session. If you are in immediate danger, call 911, or call or text 988. The crisis resources page lists more urgent help lines.

Common questions